Well, here it is. My first day as a stay-at-home mom. I'm sure you all are now flipping back in your mind to all of my previous posts about staying home already, so let me explain. I started maternity leave in February with J and had planned on staying home the rest of the school year with him. I turned in my resignation in May. Then came what would have been summer vacation anyway. But today all of my colleagues head back to school for the first teacher day and I don't. I got my last paycheck on Friday and today I am officially at home as a stay-at-home mom.
I'm not going to lie, I have a mixture of emotions going on right now. Part of me is sad. I've been seeing all of the posts about teachers and going back to school, and I still completely relate. I still feel like a teacher at heart. Teaching is a calling not just a job...but so is motherhood.
Part of me feels left out. I know I choose this, but all of my friends are headed back to have a pitch-in lunch and to discuss their summers. I always love that first teacher day back seeing everyone after their vacations and summer fun. Then there is the whole being replaced thing. I know the kids are going to love my replacement, and I'm so glad that they will. But there is a part of me that hopes they won't forget me because I know I won't forget them. They'll always be "my kids."
Part of me is relieved. I can't imagine having to wake up at 5:00 am tomorrow morning. Ugh! I'm still 20lbs. away from pre-baby weight, so none of my "teacher" clothes fit. Plus, I don't know when I would have planned for a new course this past summer.
And a big part of me is content. The last two years on this day, I have been dropping L off at my mom's and bawling right about now. Bawling that I had to leave my baby. I would cry the whole drive to school. But today, I woke up and fed J and then we laid in bed and snuggled. He really is a happy baby. When L got up she was in the best mood. She told me all about her dreams, which were about Easter egg hunting (Random....I know.). Then we had scones for breakfast and played with her "buddies" (stuffed animals). I can't imagine having to miss out on all of that stuff now. I've been home so long already that I just don't think I could give it up.
While there are already days that I take for granted the little things, I've decided to make a point to be "lazy" today. Today, the only thing on my agenda is my kids. I'm going take time to remember why I decided to stay home and I think that all of the other feelings will seem to fade.
Don't get me wrong, I know there will be days that I will miss teaching, and today is one of those days. However, I still remember the mornings throughout the school year that I would cry because I just wanted to hold L a little longer or the nights when I found out that she did something amazing (or even ordinary) and I missed it and the feelings of disappointment. Each day is a day I won't get back, so I know that I made the right decision. I know that I'm still following my calling because mothers are teachers too after all.