Full & Simple

Quiet: Finding True Contentment

by

Quiet.  What does that mean?  I've started writing this post close to a hundred times in my head.  I've been thinking on it daily almost all year.  When the New Year came, I was prepared to go full-out on the blog again.  I had a schedule and plans for the year on what I would post and when I would post it.  I had a list of to-dos and goals.  I was going to keep up with my weekly newsletter.  And then I read this verse while I was reading Nothing to Prove,

"and make it your ambition to lead a quiet life: You should mind your own business and work with your hands..."  1 Thessalonians 4:11

Photo credit Ball-Spencer Photography

A Quiet Life

"Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life...."  What is a "quiet life?"  I think that a quiet life could mean a lot of things to a lot of people.  It could mean slowing down.  Maybe moving from a fast and loud city to the country.  Maybe it means speaking less and hearing more.

For me, when I read this, the Father whispered to me that I have to learn to be content being a nobody.  (In this world at least, because I know that I'm somebody to Him.)  I have to let go of my ambition to be "someone" or "special" or "famous" or even "well-known."

You see, I've always wanted to be special, to be seen.  I want to be recognized.  Every year, I was so heart-broken and disappointed when I wouldn't win Teacher of the Year.  I didn't enjoy my senior prom when I didn't win prom queen.  And now, I am frustrated that this blog isn't growing above a certain number of readers.

All of that is embarrassing to admit, but there it is.

And the truth is that I know God will not bless this blog and my writing until I'm completely satisfied with the followers I already have and readership never growing.  When that happens, when I find my worth in Him and where I stand in His Kingdom and when this is ALL for His glory, then He MAY bless the blog.  Maybe He won't though.  But when I reach that point (or at least get nearer to it), it truly won't matter anymore.  That's the funny thing about God's blessings.  Only when we don't need them, because we know the only thing that we do need is Him, will He give them to us.

Mind Your Own Business

Again, this can mean a lot of different things.  I do not believe it means to turn a blind eye to troubles surrounding us.  In this season, for me, it means to get my own act together before trying to save the world.  It means, turning off social media when I feel that discontent rising up.  It means, quieting all of the "should" voices out there in the world.

Who are we to judge, preach or write, if we don't deal with our own crud first?  Glass houses, right?  I can't expect to be used for God's glory if I don't take time to study, pray and deal with my own baggage.  And I want to be used!

So, I'm trying to deal with these demons of mine instead of sticking to the blog schedule I had.  Because as much as I hope for this blog to someday be a true income-producing job, my relationship with God and my joy in this life are not a game.  Soul things, those are the things that matter, and I'm trying to embrace that and live it out better.

Work with Your Hands

When I've been feeling discontent or bored or "itchy,"  I've been trying to do something instead of continuing down the rabbit hole and scrolling Instagram.  Baking bread.  Trying a new Pinterest idea for cleaning.  Hand-sewing felt eggs for the kids.

Our grandmas didn't have time to be discontent because they were always busy.  And I don't think that we need to stay busy to avoid our feelings or that busy means living fast-paced.  Working with my hands, staying busy, means turning from things that are causing my discontent or envy and refocusing them on my present by being productive.  What can I do right now to make a difference right where I am with what I have?  That has been my thought instead of fixating on the things that she has or the followers that she has or how thin she is.  Sitting on the couch pining for these things will not make me get them or make me happy, but getting up, doing something (however small) usually does lift my spirits.

Open Your Hand

When I was studying 1 Thessalonians 4:11, I stumbled upon this verse in Ecclesiastes,

Better one handful with tranquility than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind.   Ecclesiastes 4:6

I don't know what all of this means for the blog.  I know that I don't want to stop writing and I don't think that is what God wants for me either.  I enjoy sharing ideas, recipes and our farm adventures with you all.  But I HAVE to learn to let go of the toil and striving to make the blog into "something."

My heart just can't keep up with the striving.  For now, I'll write when I feel like it or when I have time.  I'll post on Instagram when I want without worrying about what time of day it is to maximize likes.  I'll definitely still be here, but I might be quiet from time to time to mind my own business.

Even writing this post has me in tears because this is the least "businessy" thing I could do.  Putting this out into the world feels like letting go of a dream, but it also feels like letting go of a burden.  Now maybe blogging can be fun again and less weighty.

If you've stayed with me this long, thank you!  I hope you'll stick around because, like I said, I'm not quitting, I'm just trying to let God pilot this blog and my writing instead of co-pilot from now on.

Erika

Instagram

This error message is only visible to WordPress admins

Error: No connected account.

Please go to the Instagram Feed settings page to connect an account.

Follow Me

Nothing to Prove

by

Once again Jennie Allen's words have wrecked me in the best possible way.  In her new book, Nothing to Prove, she shares why we can all stop trying so hard.  Full of personal stories and scripture, this book is sure to be one that I will come to again and again for inspiration and guidance.

A while ago I read Anything by Jennie, with the Influence Network book club and it too completely tore me up.  Jennie's fears and thoughts always seem to be pulled directly from my head, but with a seminary background and a much better track record with Bible study, she can also share the truth found in God's word to fight those battles.

You Are Not Enough

That hurts doesn't it?  We try so hard to be enough (whatever that is).  But we aren't and we won't ever be.  "God already knows you are not enough, but He's not asking you to be.  We are the ones who have chosen to walk through the desert with enormous packs strapped to our backs full of everything but water," (pg 32).  There.  That. That is the reason we can stop trying.  Our trying will never EVER measure up, but it's okay because He has already taken care of the lack on our part.  When we accept that we are not enough, we have nothing to prove!

"...to get to the place where God can be enough, we have to first admit that we aren't." pg 39

My Sin

I've always known that comparison was a thief to my joy.  I knew that feeling like I wasn't good enough was detrimental to my ability to step out in faith and for my sanity for that matter.  But when I read the words, "I am realizing it's not my curse that I believe I am not enough; it's my sin that I keep trying to be,"  that I absolutely lost it.  I wept hard.  We're talking full-on ugly cry, people.

Honestly, these have probably been the most powerful words in the whole book for me.  My sin is trying to be enough, trying to go it alone, trying to not need His sacrifice.  Because if I am enough, then I get the glory.  If I do things all by myself, I get the credit.  But none of us are self-made.  We are made by the Potter's hands, fashioned in His image for His glory.  I have nothing to prove because I'm not the one that will get the glory anyway!

They Aren't Enough Either

As a stay-at-home mom, there are times I can feel lonely.  I get used to not talking to another adult all day that sometimes I still don't say much to my husband in the evenings.  OR I can get time with another mom during a play date and end up talking her ear off because I don't remember talking to another human outside my family.  But often, even after a great girls' night or one of those play dates, my soul is still lonely.  "Loneliness is meant to be an invitation to draw closer to God.  But our tendency is to try frantically first to meet that need in people, to prove to ourselves that we are lovable and funny and worthy of attention," (pg 106).

I'm going to admit that I crave and fear being known by anyone.  Vulnerability scares the living daylights out of me.  And even if we are vulnerable with others, nobody can completely know you or me the way Christ can.  He hears every thought (scary, I know) and knows all of your secrets (even scarier).  BUT! BUT He loves you anyway.  Our friends have nothing to prove because they are not meant to be our everything; He is!

"The lie is that good things like community, authenticity, confession can take the place of connecting with Jesus." pg 106

Your Turn

I could go on and on about the truths in this book.  I could share quote after quote.  But then I'd be writing a book too.  Instead, I want to tell you to RUN out and buy this book.  Grab a bunch of women you love to read alongside you.  And I promise you will be changed.

I want to share one last quote with you from the very last chapter. "As we step into His streams of abundance, we live in freedom and peace.  No more bondage.  No more striving.  No more performing," (pg 232).

Get your copy of Jennie Allen's brand new book, Nothing to Prove, here.

Disclaimer: I received this book for free as part of Jennie Allen's launch team for the book.  Erika Bault is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com

Erika

Instagram

This error message is only visible to WordPress admins

Error: No connected account.

Please go to the Instagram Feed settings page to connect an account.

Follow Me

The Temple and the Tabernacle

by

Last year I (slowly) completed Angie Smith's Seamless study.  I loved that study.  It really opened up a desire to learn more about the history of the time during the Bible along with the spiritual meaning of the text.  I got a copy of The Temple and the Tabernacle by J. Daniel Hays because of this new interest.  This study combines the physical aspects of the temples and tabernacle along with the spiritual importance of them.

"In this book we will explore the specific biblical texts and the overall biblical story about the temple and the tabernacle--that is, about how God dwells among his people and encounters them in relational presence.  Basically, we will move through the Bible chronologically, examining theologically how God's presence, power and holiness engage with people through "temples," or "temple-like" places."

I find that as English-speakers we are often short-changed compared to other languages.  There are 96 words for love in Sanskrit and the Eskimos have 30 words for snow.  In The Temple and the Tabernacle, we find that there are several terms used to describe different concepts associated with each term in the Hebrew and Greek languages.  These different words convey very different meanings.  In English "temple" usually refers to a place of worship, but in Hebrew one common word, Mishkan, was used frequently to describe the temple, which basically means "dwelling place."  The temple at that time was full of God's presence.  I always find the Hebrew and Greek meanings fascinating!

The Temple and the Tabernacle covers the garden of Eden as a holy place, the Ark and the Tabernacle, Solomon's temple, the departure of God from Solomon's temple, the Second Temple, and the temple of God as seen in the New Testament.  A lot of ground to cover, you might be thinking.  One particular section that interested me was on what happened to the Ark of the Covenant.  Jeremiah, the prophet, predicted that the Ark would cease to exist and that it would not be missed or replaced. Consequently, the Bible does not mention the Ark after the invasion of the Babylonians.  It's amazing how prophecy manifests!

At times, my head did spin a bit while reading through this because of all of the ground covered.  It is A LOT of information to process.  However, I absolutely enjoyed my time with this study. As a result, will be keeping it close to my Concordance and Bible as a reference.  The book includes actual photos as well as illustrations to make all of the information come alive.  The photos and illustrations helped me engage more fully with the content.  I hope that someday I'm able to visit Israel and see some of the sites in person.

If you would like to learn more about the history and the "goings-on" of the Bible beyond just the spiritual ramifications, then I highly recommend this study.  Like I said, I will be keeping it close for reference!

Disclaimer: I recieved this book from Bakers Books Bloggers in exchange for an honest review.  Erika Bault is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com

 

 

Erika

Instagram

This error message is only visible to WordPress admins

Error: No connected account.

Please go to the Instagram Feed settings page to connect an account.

Follow Me

2017: The Year of Contentment

by

Happy New Year!  There are so many people talking about how rough 2016 was, and when I stop and think about it, 2016 was a rough year on my heart and spirit as well.  Yes, there was "THE election," racism, violence and celebrity deaths.  And yes, all of those things took their toll on me, but more than that, I just felt under attack spiritually.  The more I tried to grab a hold of simple, the further from my reach it seemed to get.  My 2016 was supposed to be "simple," but in 2016....

Simple Got Complicated

I wrote in the middle of the year about how I basically let "simple" get the best of me.  I wanted to do all of the "simple" things...all at one time.  I tried the KonMari method.  We got chickens to increase our own food production and self-reliability.  I not only increased the size of our garden, but I added another garden plot over on our 20 acres for pumpkins, zucchinis and two types of squash.  I canned and preserved more than ever.  And then I started following all of these wonderful "simple living" ladies on Instagram. That's when I started trying to buy all of the reusable/sustainable items they seemed to be using.

All of it got the better of me.  There was just too much "new"at one time.  I felt overwhelmed and completely inadequate.  Listening to the Erin Loechner (author of Chasing Slow) episode of The Happy Hour last week made me feel a bit better when even she admitted that we can get caught chasing slow living just as much as we chase fast living.  That's why....

2017's Word is "Contentment"

Contentment was my goal all along with my word choice of simple.  To me, simple living means living with less stuff, obligations, and busyness in order find joy and contentment in everyday life.  Being content doesn't mean not trying to live better or differently, but it does mean finding joy where you are, with what you have.  Last year, I let too much of my identity be defined by how we were living and what we had.  Clearing clutter and growing my own food were as much status symbols to me as a brand new Gucci bag is to others.  I felt that if I didn't use the same green cleaners or light beeswax candles at dinner that I was doing "simple" wrong.  But what I was doing wrong was letting my outer life, determine my inner, spiritual life.  I have shared this quote from Richard Foster multiple times here on the blog and I'm going to do it again and again until I fully grasp it!  He says, "The Christian discipline of simplicity is an inward reality that results in an outward lifestyle."

Plans for Contentment

This year, I don't plan on sharing monthly goals or updates necessarily like last year.  Honestly, doing these posts added pressure to my "simple" year and left me feeling even worse when I didn't get them finished or done the way I had set out to do them.  However, I do plan to share with you some of my inner discoveries and book reviews throughout the year.

Today I started Nancy Ray's Contentment Challenge, where I will try to go three whole months without buying anything that is non-essential.  That means no new home decor, clothes, craft projects, books, etc.  I'm honestly terrified of admitting to doing this challenge publicly, lest I should slip or give up.

It's only the first day and I'm already "itchy" knowing I can't buy anything.  The other day I saw new stuff at the Target Dollar Spot (my kryptonite) and I bought a few things just because I knew I was going to work on this challenge.  The challenge is meant for us to look at our lives and to find meaningful pursuits in place of using shopping to fill any emotional void we have.  If you want to hear about my progress, sign up for my newsletter, where I plan to share most of the thoughts I have about the challenge.  And please pray for me y'all!

Later this week I will also share with you my reading list for this year.  I have about 16 books that I'm going to work through this year that focus on contentment and simple living.  I honestly could have chosen so many more, but I think these are the ones I'm most excited about.

Adding a Memory Verse

And I'm adding a Bible passage to commit to memory this year as well:

" I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:11-13

I didn't do this in 2016, so I hope that by finding scripture to ground me in my word choice will keep me from veering off of the path I want to pursue this year.

Your Turn

I'd love to know what word you've chosen for the year or what goals or resolutions you have.  Do you have any book or Bible study suggestions?  Let me know in the comments!

Disclaimer: Erika Bault is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com

Erika

Instagram

This error message is only visible to WordPress admins

Error: No connected account.

Please go to the Instagram Feed settings page to connect an account.

Follow Me

Falling Free

by

full-simple-book-review-falling-free-title

Falling Free by Shannan Martin reminded so much of Anything by Jennie Allen in the best ways.  And like Anything, it took me a while to get through Falling Free.  Both books are a punch you in the gut, step on your toes kind of wonderful and that takes time to process.  Allen and Martin offer up everything they own and everything they are to God and He does amazing things with them, through them and for them.  But while Allen's calling led her to lead a national women's organization, Shannan Martin and her family were called to a transitional neighborhood in a town in northern Indiana.

After selling their dream farm, Martin and her family move into their new neighborhood and learn what true community is.  It is here in this "mostly brokeness and decay" that she found her oldest son Robert, a boy with a record and children of his own, but with a heart for generosity.  It's here that Martin relinquishes perfect dinner parties in pursuit of true community in yoga pants with tacos.

The community that Shannan writes about scares me.  It's messy and doesn't always play by the middle-class rule book.  This type of community can feel like it takes more than it gives.  The people you surround yourself with may not, and probably should not, look and think like you.  But this is Jesus's type of community.

Outcasts, liars, thieves, and self-centered hypocrites to name a few.  These are the types of people that Jesus frequently had dinner with.  Honestly, Martin points out at one point that Jesus was the epitome of everything that a controlling hostess would NOT want in a guest.  He'd just show up and invite a few extra people.  The thought of this just makes me sweat!  And I realized how unprepared my heart would be if I was lucky enough to meet Jesus just walking in the grocery store.

"You want to come for dinner TONIGHT?!  And you want to bring how many friends?  Is this a pitch-in?  I don't have that kind of grocery budget!"

Yep.  That is what my side of the conversation would probably look like.

falling-free

Falling Free is the kind of book that forces you to make these realizations about yourself.  The problem is that now I know.  While listening to Joyce Meyer one time, I remember her saying something to the effect that God does not hold us responsible for the things that we don't know, but that once we know them...well, then He expects us to do better.

The good news is that Martin gives amazing advice  along with personal anecdotes to make doing better easier.  I love her sharing of imperfections and failures along with the lessons that they've taught her.  It is so much easier to accept a message from another human being instead of a perfect, spiritual robot.  If only I lived closer, I would totally buy Shannan a cup of coffee and hopefully talk for hours.

I know that this book is only the first of many for Martin, because I think we are craving this message of community.  More and more I think we want to throw off the Pinterest-worthy lives and just live together.  But we're afraid of the mess, of the vulnerability.  Books like Falling Free by Shannan Martin can help us to be brave, not because she shows that it isn't messy, but because she shows you that messy might just be what it's all about.

"My Jesus blesses the poor and spits our what the world values.

He demands that I love my neighbor--my orphan neighbor, my starving neighbor, my imprisoned neighbor, my living-off-the-system neighbor--as much as I love myself.

I want this, I do, but there are still days I try hard to convince myself I've let go of enough, that I've met my quota. [...]We all just want to feel something.  That' why we overeat, overspend, overcommit.  We're numbed by our antiseptic standard of what a "good life" requires, so we squeeze it's limits hoping to feel---respected, envied, cool, capable, smart, proud.  It doesn't really matter; we're just so tired of the status quo.  We're tired of this crushing restlessness.  Our bones and our souls ache with wanting, but our remedies are all wrong."

pg63 Falling Free

full-simple-book-review-falling-free

Disclaimer: Erika Bault is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com.

Erika

Instagram

This error message is only visible to WordPress admins

Error: No connected account.

Please go to the Instagram Feed settings page to connect an account.

Follow Me

You Are Enough

by

 

Full & Simple- You Are Enough

After a month off, yoga started back up this week (hallelujah and all the praise hand emojis).  As we start each class, our instructor always shares an affirmation for us to think about during our practice.  This week, she shared some things that she has been struggling with and then declared that our affirmation would be: "I am enough."

I think that "enough" is a concept that everyone struggles with, but I think especially women and moms feel this pressure to be "enough."  What is enough?  Who decided that was enough?  Will I ever be enough?  Now am I too much?  What can I do or change in order to be enough?

I've struggled with "enough" my whole life.  I'm a type A, goal-oriented, perfectionist.  Some of my OCD tendencies come from my mom, and my opinionatedness and hard stand on the way I see life definitely come from my dad.  But my perfectionism?  I attribute that to my parents' divorce.

I was four-years-old when my mom and dad separated.  One of my earliest true memories is of my fifth birthday party being held at my grandma's, where my mom and were living at the time.  I had a rainbow pinata and I got a Minnie Mouse book that had my name as part of the story.  As a child, I got it into my head that my mom was somehow not perfect and that is why my dad left her.  Now, as an adult, I know that is not the case.  Honestly, my parents are so different that I'm not sure how they fell in love in the first place, but I'm glad they did...otherwise I wouldn't be here, but this idea of perfectionism, even though my five-year-old self didn't even know that word, started to grab hold of everything I thought about.

ErikaBaultStockPhotoLights

I needed to be the best at everything.  I needed to be the smartest.  Don't show anyone your weakness or vulnerability.  Be perfect and people won't leave.  But somehow, my perfect never felt like enough.  I would attain one goal only to feel like the next one was the thing that would make me truly happy and known to those around me.

The thing about being known though, truly KNOWN, is that it requires vulnerability.  I still struggle with this.  I absolutely hate letting others see my house a wreck or see me a wreck.  For this reason I panic and get irritated when people stop by unannounced.  I need time to put on make-up...a bra...and then sweep, dust, pick up and possibly cook a five-course dinner! If people see the me I wish I was, instead of the me I actually am, then they will love me...or at least like me.  If I can be perfect, or at least seem perfect then I will be enough.

But am I?

That's the question that still nags at the back of our minds even when we try our hardest.  Am I enough?  Did I do enough?

The answer is yes, but it has very little to do with you or anything that you've done, because there is only one thing that you can do to be enough.

Accept the gift of forgiveness by accepting the sacrifice of Christ.

That's it.  That's all you have to do, and that's all you can do.

ErikaBaultStockPhotoCrossinClouds

"On that day you will know that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you." John 14:20

We are enough because He is enough.  We are in Him and He is in us.  And that...that is enough.  That is all there is.

The God that made the moon and stars loves you.  You. The real you.  He is not impressed by our Pinterest or Instagram worthy houses and meals.  He doesn't love you more because you tithe or love you less because you don't.  There is not one thing you can do to make God love you more, but there is also not one thing that you can do to make Him love you less.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast" Ephesians 2:8-9

I can wrap my head around this.  I know all of it.  But getting my heart wrapped around it?  Easier said than done.  Truly believing that I'm enough?  I'm working on it.  But I am.

And so are you.  You. Are. Enough.

Erika

Instagram

This error message is only visible to WordPress admins

Error: No connected account.

Please go to the Instagram Feed settings page to connect an account.

Follow Me

Hand-Picked Peach: Week 42

by

Hand-Picked Peach Post Header Web

The internet was down here all week.  Ugh!  Having no internet made me realize just how much I rely on technology...and how much time I waste on it as well.  But the thing I definitely missed most was blogging and sharing with all of you!

il_570xN.737947244_i87n

That's why I'm so excited to share today's Peach Pick, which is the creation of a fellow Influence Network gal and current Hoosier, Joyful Papery.  Emily and I "met" via the Influence Network group for our area and then got to actually meet last week at Hayley and Jess's Wild and Free book tour stop in Carmel, IN.

il_570xN.737947262_cz9a

I bought these downloadable Bible note cards with two purposes in mind.

  1. I want to try to do a better job of memorizing scripture, so I though that writing scriptures on these cards would be a great way to keep the verses I want to memorize visible.
  2. I plan on using these cards later in the summer when I lead the Wild and Free group at my church.  I think that having the ladies write out favorite scriptures and quotes will be fun and then we can all share these favorites with each other.  Plus, I want use them for prayer requests within the group too.

Emily was sweet enough to provide Full & Simple readers with a coupon code for 20% off of your order.  Just use fullandsimple at checkout, but hurry because this code is only good this weekend!

joyful papery

I'm so thankful to be a part of The Influence Network where I can find and help support other women of God working to share His purpose for their lives.  If you haven't joined The Influence Network yet, give it a try here.

Full & Simple- Try Grove Collaborative (1)

Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links.  By using affiliate links to purchase items, Full & Simple receives a small commission to keep things up and running.  Thank you for you support.

Erika

Instagram

This error message is only visible to WordPress admins

Error: No connected account.

Please go to the Instagram Feed settings page to connect an account.

Follow Me

The Gift of Tension

by

Full & Simple- The Gift of Tension Title

Many of you will wonder at the title of this post.  Tension, a gift?  I, myself, am even puzzled by it.  It is a statement only my faith believes because my heart and head are physically pained by tension.  But I've been feeling that physical burning in my chest a lot lately, and no, it isn't heartburn.

There is so much going on around us.  We have the presidential election coming up.  LGBT marriage and rights are in the news almost daily.  The #BlackLivesMatter and #AllLivesMatter movements seem to be at odds.  What Christians should be allowed to do and think is constantly changing.  And I am feeling more and more lost.

I feel lost because I don't know what I believe about many of these issues anymore.  I grew up and still live in this very small, rural, non-diverse town.  I do love living here.  I love the slow pace and that people know me.  I don't have to be afraid of someone walking on the sidewalk past me.  Many of my views have been shaped by this community and family, but these same views seem to be under attack lately.

And I don't mean just under attack by others.  I myself am starting to question my views on certain issues.  This past year or so, as I've started staying home and blogging, I've been introduced to so many new women and views via blogs, podcasts, and The Influence Network and all of this is starting to make me wonder.  There are women that I started to follow that are women of the Word and they make me feel encouraged in my faith, but when it comes to race or sexuality, I don't agree with all of their views or they challenge me to think about what I truly believe and why I believe the things I do.

I'm going to try to be pretty transparent in this next part, but before I do, I must implore you to read the following as the honest dialogue that it is.  I'm in no way trying to be hateful and prejudice.  I'm trying to share the struggle that has been taking place in my heart in a hope of increasing honest, helpful, and healing dialogue.

My husband and I met and started dating in high school.  We have always talked about the possibility of adoption.  To me, that always felt like it meant we would end up being a multi-racial family because most of the families that I know that have adopted are multi-racial.  But it was after Beyonce's half-time show and ensuing anger, that I really started to think of what the implications of possibly mothering black children would mean for myself and those children.  Another thing you need to know to fully understand my viewpoint is that my family is full of military men and my father is a police officer.  The video of Beyonce's Formation song, outraged me as the daughter of an officer.  The men and women I know on the force, are good people.  I have never seen any of them be racially discriminatory.  But I started to wonder, "Would I need to tell my kids to be afraid if they were black?"  "Am I being naive to think that if I love a child as my own that their skin color won't matter to those around me?"

"Messiness is what happens when you try to live out God's perfect grace as a flawed person in a flawed world." -Caleb Kaltenbach, Messy Grace

That night, I reached out to a Christian blogger that is white and is raising black children.  And, in an all to too quick message on Instagram, I am sure that I completely offended her.  It was not my intent to do so.  I was in tears and felt that uncomfortable tension in my chest and I really just wanted someone to tell me the answer.  I got impatient and didn't pray first or really think through my message.  I have since emailed and apologized profusely with no response, which is probably understandable.  But ever since that night, I have started to question many of my views and have tried to begin educating myself on differing viewpoints.

To be honest, that feels lonely and somewhat like a betrayal.  Why?  I am finding that I don't completely agree with some of my community's and family's long-held views anymore.  After doing some research into Black Lives Matter, they make some valid points.  Now, I don't agree with everything they stand for or even all of their tactics, but even agreeing a small bit feels like a betrayal to my dad's life as a police officer. At the same time, I find that I don't totally agree with some of the Christian women that I follow on blogs or social media.  One minute I can be using all of the praise hands emojis on their status and the next I'm wondering if we can both consider ourselves Christians if our viewpoints are so polar opposite.  Obviously one of us has to be wrong, right?  In his book Messy Grace, Caleb Kaltenbach describes how we must live in a tension between grace and truth.  We must show each other grace, but we must not forget the truth.  He illustrates this point of grace and truth by demonstrating Jesus's actions in John 8 when he saved the adulterous woman from being stoned to death.  Jesus didn't save her and then say, "It's all good.  Go back to what you were doing."  No.  He saved her despite her past failings (grace) and then said, "Then neither do I condemn you. [...] Go now and leave your your life of sin," (John 8:11 NIV).  Kaltenbach states that, "Love is the tension of grace and truth," and that, "Having the mind-set that you've got it together and everyone else is lacking is a fast track to being a grace failure."   I don't have it all together, and I'm trying to stop pretending I do.  So I don't have to agree with everything other people do.  I'm sure that they don't agree with everything I do.  But I can show grace and I can dig in deep into the Word and try to live truth. 

"When we as Christians have an us-versus-them mentality, it creates a mind-set that one side is right and 'those people' on the other side are our enemies." -Caleb Kaltenbach, Messy Grace

I've been terrified of this tension in my life, and even more terrified of sharing it with you.  But when I read Hayley Morgan's words in Wild and Free, "I feared the discomfort more than I believed in God's power, and it was crippling me spiritually. [...] The thing is God is A-OK with discomfort and conflict; in fact, He confronts us all the time to get us to the point of repentance and reconciliation," I knew that, despite the comments that I could receive from readers or even family, that I had to share what God has been laying on my heart for months now.

I wish that I could tell you how I "got over" this, but this tension isn't going away.  This isn't a "how I fixed it" post.  I'm in the midst of all of this now.  I haven't solved anything and I know that this post won't fix the discord in our country.  I simply am learning that tension, that burning feeling in our chests, that is the feeling of God at the potter's wheel.  God does not mold us and us not feel the work going on.  Tension is the equivalent to spiritual growing pains.  I'm learning to try to be grateful for the gift God is giving me by transforming me.

"There is tension in tolerance, but the amazing news is that our Father thrives in human tension." -Jess Connolly, Wild and Free

UPDATE: The day after this post went live, the blogger that I quickly messaged got back to me.  Turns out, she had never even seen my message on Instagram and she was so nice.  God works in mysterious ways.

Erika

Instagram

This error message is only visible to WordPress admins

Error: No connected account.

Please go to the Instagram Feed settings page to connect an account.

Follow Me

Real Love

by

IMG_8159

As Valentine's Day approaches, everything is red hearts and roses.  But do these things represent real love?  I've been thinking about why we think of the color red when we think of all things love, and I had an epiphany.

The blood of Jesus.

Don't get me wrong, I think that we need to take time and make romantic gestures for our sweethearts.  This is not a "don't buy flowers this Valentine's Day" post (Hear that, honey?  You can still buy me flowers.).  But I want to take a moment to think about real, selfless, unending love.

In the book of John, Jesus said this:

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.  Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. [...] This is my command: Love each other.

John 15:12-13, 17

While reading this passage, I realized that it is here that Jesus tells his disciples that they are no longer servants, but friends.  Jesus will then go on to sacrifice his own life for them and us.  These verses are prophecy!

But how many of us could actually do this?  I'm not sure that I could.  And to be 100% transparent, as a teacher, I would sit through the emergency procedures meetings at school, where we would go over what to do if an active shooter came.  I would almost cry at the thought for two reasons.  One, I would go to that place that every mother fears and think about what I would do if MY child was one of the children being held hostage by a shooter.  How in the world, could I be in a different part of the building than them?  How could I not run to them and try to save them?  And the second reason is that I would wonder if I could give my life for student's if the time came.  Could I leave my children motherless?  Would I have the courage?  I know that you all probably find me repulsive at that admission.  "How could you not give your life for a child?!" you ask.  Or maybe you think its just morbid thought on my part, but I wonder if other teachers had the same thoughts and uncertainties in those meetings.

Do you love your Valentine this much?   Is there anyone that you love that much?  So much that you would give your own life for theirs? Ponder that for a bit.

heart treasure

Let's look at another example of real love.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

John 3:16

That is arguably, the most well-known verse in the Bible.  I used to recite it all the time and think, "Oh, God loves me so much.  How nice is that? Isn't that just sweet?"

But now I'm a mom, and I think, "Oh, God loves me SO much!  How can I NOT love Him back?!  What an AMAZING sacrifice!"

I can never listen to the Easter Story the same way again.  I get a gut-wrenching sorrow for my God now whenever I hear it.  I know that God knew that his Son would live again, but can you imagine, even having that knowledge, having to watch your son or daughter endure the torture and humiliation that God watched Jesus suffer?

Jesus didn't want to be sacrificed.  In Matthew 26:39, Jesus says, "...My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me.  Yet not as I will, but as you will."  The crucifixion is all God's idea.  Now, I don't want to downplay the sacrifice of Jesus that he himself performed.  He was willing to be crucified because he loved us, but he also hoped that God would come up with something else.  Ok, back to God.  As a parent, can you even fathom letting your kid die so that mine could live?  And even more to the heart of what it was for God to do this, could you get pregnant and bring a baby into this world for the sole purpose of them dying to save my kid?  What if my kid is a complete bully?  What if they treat others horribly?  Do you love my kid enough to still let your kid die for them?

I'm here to tell you that I couldn't do it.  I know that there will be judgmental people out there condemning me for my honesty, but I think you need to know.  I can't even fathom the excruciating pain of losing a child.  But even more than that, I can't imagine sacrificing my children of my own volition.

As you go about your Valentine's Day activities think about this love.  The love from your Father and His Son.

All of you out there that don't have a date for Sunday, don't think you don't have a Valentine.  And those of you who do have dates, remember that you still need God in the middle of that relationship for it to grow and flourish.

We are all loved the most by our God.  We, as humans, will never be able to give the kind of love that God can.  Psalm 139:1 says, "O Lord, you have searched me and you know me."  Nothing you do is a secret to God, and He loves you anyway.  Did you hear that?!  He loves you anyway!  And He is asking, "Will you be mine?"

What is your answer?

IMG_8161

Erika

Instagram

This error message is only visible to WordPress admins

Error: No connected account.

Please go to the Instagram Feed settings page to connect an account.

Follow Me