stay-at-home mom Archives

A Woman of Intrigue

December 14, 2015 by Erika

Why are Women Virginia Woolf

I recently started watching White Collar on Netflix and I have become enamored with Neal Caffrey. There is something about his confidence, style, intelligence, and sophistication that draws me in. The same qualities make Raymond Reddington from The Blacklist, Agent Rossi from Criminal Minds and Dr. Henry Morgan from Forever (Sidenote: I'm still completely bummed this show wasn't renewed) men that I love to watch. But its not just the men. It's the world and people that they surround themselves with. It's a world full of culture, style and sophistication. It's a world that I've always wanted to be a part of (not any of the criminal aspects). I'm also fascinated by the leading ladies to these men. They are intelligent and quick-witted, stylish and slender, and they seem to constantly be put together, something that as a mother of two I rarely seem to feel anymore.

And that brings me to reality. I am a stay-at-home mother of two gorgeous (if I do say so myself) and amazing little people. And I love trying to be the Pinterest mom. I admittedly love to try to do all of the crafts and DIY costumes and birthday decorations. But all of that does not fit in to the worlds that I described above. And that, I think, is the struggle. It is hard to define who we are.

I have always been very good at compartmentalizing. My parents divorced when I was very young. And I became very good at "switching" from mom's house to dad's house. I knew that there were certain attitudes and behaviors that were expected at dad's and different ones expected at mom's. The key was allowing myself some time to acclimate when going from one house to the other. Now, as an adult, I find that I am still very good at compartmentalizing, I can easily turn off my other personas to be a mom, but I have a hard time turning mom off and putting it back into its little box so that I can be wife, friend, and just Erika.

The world wants who we are to fit into these perfect little boxes. Even in the blogging world, one of the first things that any potential blogger is told to do is "find your niche." So when I started I thought that I would focus on our gardening and small farming efforts, but I found that once I started writing and sharing...I have so much more to share and say! And in the television shows I mentioned above, the characters are written with all of the qualities I listed and "complicated" backstories, but they are still very neat and tidy. Can you imagine if Neal Caffrey had kids? How would that fit into his lifestyle of expensive wine and suits? Or could you imagine Raymond Reddington liking literature and the theater, but also raising his own chickens? Nope. Neither can I. So how do we do it? How do we be real and true to ourselves? How do we let all of the personas out to coexist together instead of letting the world or ourselves define us by just one of those personas? How can we manage to be a "woman of intrigue" when we are wiping dirty bums and putting away our husbands underwear?

This is where I'm supposed to give you the answer to the question I've just posed. Unfortunately, I don't have the answer. I am working on it. Part of my goals to complete before turning 30 are meant to bring me closer to the answer. And I have big plans for 2016 that I will share after Christmas. What I do know is that God made me and you unique. He gave us all certain gifts and talents and affinities for specific things. Psalm 139:13 says, "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb."

I especially appreciate that the verse says, "you knitted me together." God didn't box us up. When something is knitted, it is connected through a series of stitches. If you unravel a knitted item, you'll get one long piece of yarn or string. I believe that is how we are meant to live our lives, not compartmentalized, but continuous.

I'd love to hear your thoughts. How do you live a life of "intrigue" while still attending to mundane, real-life tasks?

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The Realities of Staying Home: My First Day as a Stay-At-Home Mom

August 10, 2015 by Erika

Wreath courtesy of angiemakes.com.

Well, here it is. My first day as a stay-at-home mom. I'm sure you all are now flipping back in your mind to all of my previous posts about staying home already, so let me explain. I started maternity leave in February with J and had planned on staying home the rest of the school year with him. I turned in my resignation in May. Then came what would have been summer vacation anyway. But today all of my colleagues head back to school for the first teacher day and I don't. I got my last paycheck on Friday and today I am officially at home as a stay-at-home mom.

I'm not going to lie, I have a mixture of emotions going on right now. Part of me is sad. I've been seeing all of the posts about teachers and going back to school, and I still completely relate. I still feel like a teacher at heart. Teaching is a calling not just a job...but so is motherhood.

Part of me feels left out. I know I choose this, but all of my friends are headed back to have a pitch-in lunch and to discuss their summers. I always love that first teacher day back seeing everyone after their vacations and summer fun. Then there is the whole being replaced thing. I know the kids are going to love my replacement, and I'm so glad that they will. But there is a part of me that hopes they won't forget me because I know I won't forget them. They'll always be "my kids."

Part of me is relieved. I can't imagine having to wake up at 5:00 am tomorrow morning. Ugh! I'm still 20lbs. away from pre-baby weight, so none of my "teacher" clothes fit. Plus, I don't know when I would have planned for a new course this past summer.

And a big part of me is content. The last two years on this day, I have been dropping L off at my mom's and bawling right about now. Bawling that I had to leave my baby. I would cry the whole drive to school. But today, I woke up and fed J and then we laid in bed and snuggled. He really is a happy baby. When L got up she was in the best mood. She told me all about her dreams, which were about Easter egg hunting (Random....I know.). Then we had scones for breakfast and played with her "buddies" (stuffed animals). I can't imagine having to miss out on all of that stuff now. I've been home so long already that I just don't think I could give it up.

While there are already days that I take for granted the little things, I've decided to make a point to be "lazy" today. Today, the only thing on my agenda is my kids. I'm going take time to remember why I decided to stay home and I think that all of the other feelings will seem to fade.

Don't get me wrong, I know there will be days that I will miss teaching, and today is one of those days. However, I still remember the mornings throughout the school year that I would cry because I just wanted to hold L a little longer or the nights when I found out that she did something amazing (or even ordinary) and I missed it and the feelings of disappointment. Each day is a day I won't get back, so I know that I made the right decision. I know that I'm still following my calling because mothers are teachers too after all.

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The Realities of Staying Home: My Husband Makes Me Feel Guilty

August 6, 2015 by Erika

Wreath courtesy of angiemakes.com.

Ok, now that I have your attention due to my controversial title (because let's be honest, any man that saw it is ready to chew me up and spit me out and all the women are ready to fight on my behalf), let me explain.

My husband does make me feel guilty....because he is my helpmate, my true partner in life. Shortly after we got married, I got some advice from a family friend. He said that we needed to realize that marriage is never 50/50. There will be days that your husband does 90% of the work. There will be days you do 90%. The thing to remember is that marriage is about partnership, and that it is your job to pick up the slack when your partner can't. Over the course of a marriage it may end up being 50/50. It may not. But if you are getting married only expecting to put in half the work, then you shouldn't do it.

I think that my husband and I have been pretty good at embodying this principle. When I was still going to school while completing my first year of teaching, I was working from the time I got up to the time I went to bed almost every day. My husband did most of the cooking and cleaning during that season of our life. When it comes to babies, I'm the one that usually gets up at night to feed them (I nurse so he can't really help anyway....) and change them and I try to not wake my husband if possible. Even five months in, I still spend a lot of time nursing. J eats about as soon as we get done eating dinner in the evening, so my husband, even after a long day of work, cleans up while I feed J.

This is where the guilt comes in. My husband has done a lot of the laundry and dishes here lately. I've been busy most days dealing with the garden and canning on top of doing the daily taking care of the kids thing. He picks up my slack, but I feel bad that there is slack to pick up. I feel there shouldn't be household things that need to be done when he gets home. I'm a type A, perfectionist. I HATE asking for and accepting help.

But instead of feeling guilt, I need to remember the advice given to me and be grateful that I have a husband that embodies a helpmate. In chapter 2 of Genesis, it is described how God wanted to make a helpmate for Adam and that He did not want Adam to be alone. None of the beasts of the earth were suitable, so God made Eve out of Adam's rib. In verse 2:23 the Bible states, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." One. It takes two to make one life and run one house. It does not matter if you do most of the work sometimes and your husband does most of the work at other times as long as you are trying and giving all that you have to give at the time. You were made to support your husband and he to support you. We need to make sure to show gratitude to God and our husbands for the help and let go of the guilt. If one person were meant to do it all, God wouldn't have had to make Adam AND Eve.

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The Realities of Staying Home: I Can’t Keep Up!

July 20, 2015 by Erika

Wreath courtesy of angiemakes.com.

When I was growing up, my mom had this little wood carving that said, "Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling snow while its still snowing." And as a child, I was sort of offended by this. Especially since I felt that I was a pretty tidy kid, as far as kids go. I mean, I was odd for my age when it came to organizing. I had multiple teen organization books. I even had several American Girl books on organizing, manners and the like.

But now that I am a mother, I get it. Cleaning is constant. And I hate to say it, but I think that my house is even more of a wreck since I started staying home full-time. Maybe its because we're home all day to make messes. Maybe its because "I can always do that tomorrow." Or maybe its because I keep thinking that I stayed home to make memories not ignore the kids to just clean. But to be honest, I don't even feel that I'm spending enough quality time with the kids. I'm overwhelmed. I feel like I'm only half present because I'm constantly feeling guilty or thinking about what else needs done. If I'm cleaning, I feel guilty for not playing with the kids. If I'm playing with the kids, I feel like the dirty dishes are screaming to be washed. I'm pretty sure if you looked up motherhood in the dictionary that the definition would be "a constant, nagging feeling of guilt."

Being the organization freak that I am, I tried coming up with a daily schedule for all three of us. I blocked out time for TV, iPad, pre-K learning, napping, cleaning, etc. I even made this awesome printout on Excel and hung it on the fridge. We maybe followed it for a week. When that didn't work, I came up with a daily and weekly checklist of things that I thought needed to be done. This way I didn't have to worry about the schedule so long as things were getting done. I haven't been able to check every item off the list in one week yet. So I feel like I'm failing already. People have asked me all summer how I like staying home now that everyone knows that I'm not going back to teaching in the fall. To be honest, I still just feel like its summer break to some extent. But there's another part of me that feels this intense pressure to be able to handle it all...all by myself. I will be Suzy Freakin' Homemaker, gosh darn it!

As you know, my husband and I are HUGE Dave Ramsey fans. We are working the baby steps. We've paid off all of our debt except our mortgage. We have our 3-6 month emergency fund. And we were starting to make real traction on our retirement and other savings goals. I know that my family is making financial sacrifices for me to stay home. Don't get me wrong, we are much more fortunate than many families with a stay-at-home parent. I completely understand how blessed I am. I also know that it is a blessing to be able to stay home. But because of the sacrifices, I feel that I have to live up to some ideal in order for me to feel that these sacrifices aren't being made in vain. My husband works hard to provide a comfortable life for us and I want to make sure that he continues to feel that I'm contributing something positive to our family.

When I decided to stay at home, I also told myself that I wasn't going to be one of "those moms." You know, the ones that let themselves go. The one that is always in yoga pants. I was going to look nice when my husband got home. Maybe I wouldn't wear full-on make-up but I would be dressed and look presentable. My kids would wear quirky, cute outfits that I may have made using Pinterest. We would eat awesome meals. Birds would sing and help me do my chores..... Well, I am becoming one of those moms. One of those women that I swore I wouldn't become. I'm still holding on to about 25lbs of baby weight, so very few of my regular clothes fit and I don't want to dirty up the ones that do fit in case I need to wear them to a nicer function or to town. So I wear yoga pants and t-shirts and there are days the kids stay in their PJs all day.

I read this blog post about struggling with a morning routine, and I was so relieved to know I wasn't alone! I KNOW that I need a routine. I KNOW that getting dressed would make me feel better and make me more productive. But I keep making excuses. "I'm too tired to work out so that my clothes will fit." "I don't have time." The truth is that I probably do have time and I'm tired because I'm lugging an extra 25lbs around!

The last reason I can't keep up is because I'm trying to keep up with the Joneses. Since I know that I need Facebook, Instagram and Twitter to help promote this blog, I've created accounts on all three. I use my time nursing J to look at all of these accounts. But I find myself feeling less after I do. How in the world do these women have time to look like that, have a clean house, and make awesome memories with their kids?! I've tried to keep up, but I just can't. Not right now at least. I've got to find my footing as a stay-at-home mom. I need to find my own groove.

Because of all of this, I've decided to make The Realities of Staying Home a regular (or semi-regular) spot here on the blog. These posts are where all the mommas can come to commiserate, find inspiration, and get tips on dealing with the stresses of being a mom. Life is hard. We don't need to make it any harder by feeling alone or like we aren't enough. I love the ending of Moms' Night Out (one of my favorite movies by the way) when Allyson realizes that she has put unrealistic expectations on herself. She is her problem. Not her husband. Not her kids. Not her friends. She is the one that expects so much. But she realizes (thanks to Trace Adkins's character) that God made us. We are perfect to Him and He gave us the family and life He did because He knew what he was doing. We are going to be ok. We can do this....together!

Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links.

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Mom Anthem

May 18, 2015 by Erika

In my last post I told you all that I had resigned as a teacher to become a stay-at-home mom. I also told you it was the hardest decision I've ever made. And it was. It was easy to decide to marry my husband. It was even easier to decide to have his babies. But deciding to give up teaching, a job I love, while I raise these babies? Not as easy. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely think I made the right decision.

But yesterday while working out, it hit me.....I am no longer a teacher. I completely broke down. I hadn't mourned for the loss of this part of my life yet. I thought that by being sad or upset that I was saying that I made the wrong decision, but that's not true at all!

Anyway, while laying on the floor, bawling, I remembered a song that my friend Claire mention on her blog, The Blog Bloom. It's called Fight Song by Rachel Platten. Now, I had never heard of Rachel or this song before. Usually I'm listening to Frank Sinatra, Michael Buble or contemporary Christian on Pandora while I'm at home or I'm tuned in to country while driving in my car. Upon remembering this song, I immediately downloaded it from iTunes. I put it on repeat until I was all cried out and determined to be the best stay-at-home mom I could be. This song may become my new mom anthem. A song to pump me up for what lies ahead.

Let me share some of the lyrics with you and explain why this is my new anthem.

"Like a small boat on the ocean, sending big waves into motion."

This line reminds me of the JFK quote, "One person can make a difference and everyone should try," because what else are we doing as parents than trying to make a difference in the world by raising good kids. My kids could cure cancer or become president. They could start an orphanage in Africa or South America. But they could also lead normal lives changing the world simply by living for God on a daily basis. My kids and your kids can change the world, but we as parents have to give them the guidance and foundation for that.

"Like how a single word can make a heart open."

Congratulations MOM! I can remember the doctor saying that after L was born. Mom. I was a mom. A childhood dream realized. I have never felt my heart get so big, well at least until I heard those words again after J was born.

"And all those things I didn't say, wrecking balls inside my brain. I will scream them loud tonight. Can you hear my voice this time?"

This line makes me think of all of the things that I missed teaching L the first few years of her life since I didn't stay home earlier. Now I have the chance to make up for that. I don't have to miss out on things, like the look of pride on her face when she learns something new. We can make cookies and cuddle. Hopefully I'll teach her to love Audrey Hepburn too. I've always wanted to lay in bed with my girl on a rainy Sunday and have an Audrey movie marathon.

"This is my fight song. Take back my life song. Prove I'm alright song."

Like I said earlier, it has been hard making this decision. I will absolutely miss teaching, but I know I'd miss my babies and all that I could teach them more. This song gets me pumped! I'm allowed to mourn for the teaching part of my life, but I'm going to be okay....better than okay. I get to spend every day with the people I love most in the world.

"My power's turned on. Starting right now I'll be strong."

This line reminded me of a poster I saw on Pinterest. It said, "If you ever feel like giving up, just remember there is a little girl watching and she wants to be just like you...don't disappoint her." Starting today I'm going to be the person my children see most, at least for these first few years. They will be with me 24 hours a day most days. I HAVE to be a strong role model for them. They have to see me being the kind of person I hope that they will grow up to be.

"Losing my friends and I'm chasing sleep."

While I'm not losing friends, I won't see them everyday like before. I will miss them, but that's what Facebook and Instagram are for! As far as the chasing sleep...I have a baby and a toddler. Need I say more?

These aren't all of the lyrics of the song, but these are some of the ones that stood out the most to me. These are the lyrics that gave me comfort in the middle of my doubt. These are the lyrics that made me decide to make this song my mom anthem.

What song is your anthem?

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